How Unwanted Identities Lead Us to Shame and Perfectionism

Would it make you cringe if someone thought what you thought about yourself?

That you were:

Lazy?

Rude?

Ignorant?

Selfish?

What is it for you???

These are "unwanted identities".

They're ways in which you NEVER want to be seen.

Most of us do our best to avoid unwanted identities at all costs. That's admirable until it leaves you saying yes when you don’t want to, people pleasing, feeling like you’re dropping the ball or totally overwhelmed. AND...

Unwanted identities can lead us right into shame.

For example, imagine you do your best not to be a jerk & then you're short with someone. What does that bring up for you? Bingo! It can lead to feeling like you’re a terrible person rather than just having a tough moment.

On the flip side of unwanted identities are ideal identities. How do you want to be seen? Maybe that looks more like...

Generous.

Smart.

Reliable.

Successful.

Here's the dirty little secret with ideal identities, they can trigger perfectionism, over achieving, or over performing.

When shame, perfection, proving, or anything in that ballpark are at play you can bet we are trying our hardest to control how other people think of us.

But, we have zero control over what other people think and trying to leads to fear, stress, and anxiety.

So the next time you're feeling embarrassed (which is often the "polite" way we address shame in our culture) or see that you're over performing, pat yourself on the back for noticing it. Awareness is the first step to changing anything.

From there you get to decide how you actually want to show up.